Habits-4U2: #5 Seek to Understand, Then to Be Understood

In our last blog, we explored the power of “Think Win-Win,” a habit that fosters collaboration and mutual success. Now, we turn to Habit 5 from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” This habit is the foundation of effective communication and the key to meaningful relationships.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen Covey

This quote highlights a truth we’ve all experienced: conversations where we feel unheard or misunderstood. Habit 5 challenges us to pause, truly listen, and connect with others on a deeper level before expecting them to understand us.

Seek to Understand, Then to Be Understood

What It Means to Seek First to Understand

At its core, seeking first to understand is about empathy. It’s setting aside your own perspective to step into someone else’s shoes. Stephen Covey likened this habit to giving someone “psychological air”—validating their thoughts and feelings so they feel safe to open up.

By prioritizing understanding, you build trust and create a foundation for clearer, more compassionate two-way communication. Once others feel truly heard, they’re more likely to be open to your perspective in return.

Practical Steps to Seek First to Understand

1. Listen Without Interrupting: Focus fully on the speaker. Resist the urge to plan your response while they’re talking.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage others to share more by asking, “Can you tell me more about that?”

3. Reflect Back What You Hear: Paraphrase their words to confirm your understanding.

Practical Steps to Be Understood

1. Communicate Clearly: Use simple, direct language to express your thoughts and feelings. Avoid being vague or overly complex.

2. Use “I” Statements: Share your perspective without assigning blame. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when we change plans last minute,” rather than, “You always change plans!”

3. Be Open About Your Needs: Clearly state what you need from the other person.

4. Choose the Right Time: Pick a moment when both you and the other person can focus on the conversation without distractions.

5. Model Empathy First: Demonstrate you’ve listened to them before sharing your own perspective. This sets the tone for mutual respect.

By learning to be understood, you can express yourself in ways that invite empathy and cooperation. When others see that you’ve listened to them first, they’re more likely to listen to you in return.

Connection to Previous Habits

“Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood” builds on the mindset of collaboration from Habit 4. When you approach relationships with empathy and openness, you strengthen trust and pave the way for Win-Win outcomes. By combining this habit with the foundational skills of proactivity, vision, and prioritization, you create a robust framework for meaningful connections.

Looking Ahead

Next, we’ll explore Habit 6: “Synergize,” the art of creative teamwork and how collaboration can achieve results greater than the sum of its parts. It is one of the more challenging habits to master and the most rewarding when you see it in action.

How This Habit Improves Your Wellbeing

When you genuinely listen to others, you reduce misunderstandings and tension in your relationships. This habit fosters connection and lowers stress because you’re no longer caught in cycles of conflict or frustration.

Being understood by others also plays a vital role in your mental and emotional health. Once you demonstrate empathy, others are more likely to reciprocate. This creates a supportive environment where your voice is valued, helping you feel validated and respected.

Call to Action

Take a moment this week to practice both sides of Habit 5. Journal about a recent conversation where you felt misunderstood. How could you have sought to understand the other person better? Then, write down one way you can express your thoughts more clearly to ensure you’re understood. Let’s keep building a bright life through meaningful connections 🌞.

You can get Covey’s books and journals and guides from Amazon.

amazon

Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Free Press